The Best Family Guy Quotes
Peter: Oh my God, Brian, there's a message in my alpha-bits, it says "Ooooooo"
Brian: Peter, those are
Peter: Excuse me, is your refridgerater running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very
Vacuum repairman: There you go, all fixed. Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake.
Oh. Well, did you save it?
Vacuum repairman: Uh, no.
Peter: You bastard.
Peter: I'm not afraid of anything, I laugh in the face of Death. See HAHAHAHA.
Death: Oh great! Thanks a lot. As if
it wasnt already hard enough to fit in.
[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.
Counselor: I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.
Wow, just like that show Big Brother ... except somebody'll be watching.
Lois: Where would he go?
Peter: I don't
know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and Crackerjacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being
cute, I really hope he's dead.
Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.
Stewie's Letter: Dear stupid
dog, I've gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie.
P.S. I never got a chance to return
that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return
limit but umm… I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It's actually
not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the
bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll
find the garment it goes to and then it'll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons?
Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a
little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.
Pope - No one embarrasses the Pope and gets away with it [Looks up at the sky], SMITE THEM!
(waits for a few seconds)
- He's cooking up a something good!
Stewie: Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well, that would just leave England.
Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand
why I can never go back to Sea World.
Lois: I am not a crazy broad!
Peter: Oh, no, no, Lois, he didn't mean you're crazy like Elizabeth Taylor. He meant
you're crazy, like that glue. You stick to things, y'know, like an adhesive. That's all he meant.
Meg: I just want
to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm alergic
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was
Man: Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding mellons.
Man: And her hooters aint bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem .
Man: Your wife's hot.
Peter: Alright that's it!
Peter: Wow, that Lois is some kinda woman.
Quagmire: Yeah, just thinkin' about her makes my testicles wanna drop.
Ooh, speak of the devil. Ooh, make the devils.
Peter: Look at this, Lois, see right here [points in book], I was voted
most likely to succeed!
Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook, it's a People magazine.
I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name.
Lois: You're drunk again.
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.
Peter: I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.
Peter: That was then and this is now. And this is a chair. And that's a lamp. And you have boobies. And I'm gonna find
Meg: I like him, he remembers my name!
Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you
sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.
Peter: Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without
spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
Peter: Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted
us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
Lois: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over me.
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.
Stewie: There's always been a lot of tension
between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.
Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a RANT here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having
sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster
Peter: What the hell does RANT mean?
Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat.
Chris: I want a new hat.
Stewie: I want them
to have new hats!
[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...
Peter: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.
Head Scout: You've got three days to earn a badge.
Peter: Three days! That's tomorrow! We gotta get going.
Peter: I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!
Peter: Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?
Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated
from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Eliza: Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter.
Stewie: I was curious!
Lois: Peter, why would they make you presidesnt?
Peter: Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter
of a second - RARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
Brian: Oh my god. They ate Tricia Takanawa.
Peter: Why? They're just gonna get hungry again in an hour.
Stewie: Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday
Chris: I don't think I like feet as much as you do.
Quagmire: Everybody likes feet.
Peter: Sorry Meg. Daddy loves ya, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.
Come on Stewie, you know you can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Well, then I shall sit here
until one of us expires, and you've got a good forty years on me, woman.
Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you.
Now open up for the airplane ...
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers.
Lois: Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date?
Brian: The same thing that always happens, she was an
Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain,
rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones
that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?
Quagmire: Oh, Lois, I'd do everything to you.
Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.
Peter: I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal.
UPS Woman: Package for Mr. G. Quagmire.
Quagmire: OK, hold on a sceond. [Shuts door, takes pants
off, and opens door again]
Quagmire: I've got a package for you too... [Showing penis] Alright!
Peter: No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it.
Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian ... Nosotros caramos ir
condustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy(spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't
need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak english
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and
this one explaining it.
Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?
Security Guard: Alright
son, we're gonna need those two hams back.
Chris: Huh? I don't have any hams.
Guard: Lift up your shirt, son.
I need an adult! I need an adult!
Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty fat fatty.
Hey Tom he's just a fat kid! Aren't you, fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.
Cleveland Jr: Honey comb big, yeah yeah yeah. It's not small, no no no.
Peter (to Meg): Remember that pony you
wanted when you were 6? Well I've been waitin for a time like this.
(opens closet door and a skeleton of a pony is there)
Oh, oh god, that's right ponies, ponies like food.
Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how
neat I want the house you have to clean it.
Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle i find, i shall KILL you.
Lois: A woman is not an object.
Peter: Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says.
Mayor West: MY GOD! Someones stealing my water!
Meg: But it just went down the drain.
Mayor West: The hit when
you least expect it.
Mayor West: SHOW YOURSELVES COWARDS! I've spent $1000 dollars of the tax payers
money trying to find these thieves and I'll spend $1000000 if thats what it takes!
Meg: You know, I think I have my story.
Mayor West: NO! WAIT! You can't print that! Thank god shes just a figment of my imagination.
Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg Griffin: No.
Glen Quagmire: Just checkin'.
Olivia: You are the
weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material?
Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke
before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's
what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out
of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like
that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these
phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!
Cleveland: Here's to Joe, who helped little Paul get a new liver and, barring a massive infection, a new lease on life.
Peter: There's gotta be an explanation for all this.
Brian: You want an explanation? God is pissed!
Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned down our porta-potties and I used
my stream of justice to put out the hate.
Peter: Gays don't vommit. They're a very clean people. And they have been ever since they came to this country from France.
Chris: When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah ... ow. Oh, now
I don't know math.
Peter: I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound,
but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in.
Brian: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least
non-competitive. So I win.
I.R.S. Representative:Well sir, I'm afraid that your not qualified for a tax refund.
Peter:AAAHHHHH... ohh sorry,
i still haven't gotten over the loss of party of five.
I.R.S.: Well as I was saying you are not getting a tax refund.
oh Party of Five. What were you saying?
IRS: You're not intitled for a tax refund.
IRS: Was that
for Party of Five again?
Peter: No, that was for my tax refund! What the hell is Party of Five!?
Quagmire: So, you ladies ever been penetrated?
Peter: [writing letter] Dear MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my
Peter: I told Lois I wouldn't drink
Quagmire: Don't feel so bad Peter
Peter: Hey, I never thought of it that
Lois: Peter you have to go to work.
Peter: That's nothing a phone call can't fix.
Peter: [Dialing phone] Hello Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. My family was in a terrible plane crash and I'm a
vegetable. See you tomorow.
Stewie: I'd love to stay and chat but, you're a total bitch.