Cartman: Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, biatch! Yeah, I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt! I don't go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!
Mr. Garrison: Does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
Cartman: When you are tying to have intercourse with a special lady friend and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.
Chef: Don't do drugs kids. There is a time and place for everything. It's called college.
Jimmy: Look, my gang...which i can't talk about because it's super secret--is the most important thing to me now, and if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the nigga' on your left.
Kyle: Chef, we need Butters to gain about 50 pounds, fast.
Chef: Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him.
Stan: Marry him?
Chef: It definitely worked for every woman I've ever met.
Mr. Garrison: I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Stan: The theatre they play the movies in really sucks.
Kyle: We could project the movies on Cartman's ass.
Stan: Those movies would have to be IMAX.
Chef: Say, everybody have you seen my balls/They're big and salty brown/If you ever need a quick pick-me-up/Just put my balls in your mouth/Ooh, suck on my chocolate salty balls (Stick 'em in your mouth)/Put 'em in your mouth and you suck 'em and you suck 'em.
Mr. Macky: Uh, Marajuana's bad.
Street Guy: What?
Mr. Macky: Marajuana makes you feel depressed and low.
Street Guy: And you don't feel that way now?
Mr. Macky: Hmm, good point.
Nurse Gollum: This is the strangest thing I've ever seen.
Mr. Mackey: Please, nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on her head you're not being very open-minded.