Funny South Park Quotes
Cartman: Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, biatch! Yeah, I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt! I don't go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!

Mr. Garrison: Does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
Cartman: When you are tying to have intercourse with a special lady friend and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.

Chef: Don't do drugs kids. There is a time and place for everything. It's called college.

Jimmy: Look, my gang...which i can't talk about because it's super secret--is the most important thing to me now, and if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the nigga' on your left.

Kyle: Chef, we need Butters to gain about 50 pounds, fast.
Chef: Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him.
Stan: Marry him?
Chef: It definitely worked for every woman I've ever met.

Mr. Garrison: I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Stan: The theatre they play the movies in really sucks.
Kyle: We could project the movies on Cartman's ass.
Stan: Those movies would have to be IMAX.

Chef: Say, everybody have you seen my balls/They're big and salty brown/If you ever need a quick pick-me-up/Just put my balls in your mouth/Ooh, suck on my chocolate salty balls (Stick 'em in your mouth)/Put 'em in your mouth and you suck 'em and you suck 'em.

Mr. Macky: Uh, Marajuana's bad.
Street Guy: What?
Mr. Macky: Marajuana makes you feel depressed and low.
Street Guy: And you don't feel that way now?
Mr. Macky: Hmm, good point.

Nurse Gollum: This is the strangest thing I've ever seen.
Mr. Mackey: Please, nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on her head you're not being very open-minded.

The Best Family Guy Quotes
Peter:Hey Brian, there's a message in my alpha-bits, it says "Ooooooo"
Brian:Peter, those are cheerios.

Peter:Is your refridgerater running? If it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.

[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.

Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.

Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm alergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

Peter: Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a RANT here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate.
Peter: What the hell does RANT mean?

Peter: Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?

Chris: I don't think I like feet as much as you do.
Quagmire: Everybody likes feet.

Lois: Come on Stewie, you know you can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Well, then I shall sit here until one of us expires, and you've got a good forty years on me, woman.
Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane ...
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers.

Quagmire: Hello?
UPS Woman: Package for Mr. G. Quagmire.
Quagmire: OK, hold on a sceond. [Shuts door, takes pants off, and opens door again]
Quagmire: I've got a package for you to... Alright!

Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian ... Nosotros caramos ir condustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy(spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak english
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?
Bellboy(spanish): Que?

Cleveland Jr: Honey comb big, yeah yeah yeah. It's not small, no no no.

Mayor West: MY GOD! Someones stealing my water!
Meg: But it just went down the drain.
Mayor West: The hit when you least expect it.
(Waters plant)
Mayor West: SHOW YOURSELVES COWARDS! I've spent $1000 dollars of the tax payers money trying to find these thieves and I'll spend $1000000 if thats what it takes!
Meg: You know, I think I have my story.
Mayor West: NO! WAIT! You can't print that! Thank god shes just a figment of my imagination.

Peter: There's gotta be an explanation for all this.
Brian: You want an explanation? God is pissed!

Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned down our porta-potties and I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.

The Hunt for October
Here's your basball news:

Wednesday's Games:

Twins 2, Yankees 0
Cardinals 9, Dodgers 3
Red Sox 8, Angels 3

Thursday's Games:

Stand by for your update tomorrow.

Junior's Big Win, NASCAR's big mistake
7 left and emotions broke out at the Talladega Superspeedway. Big day on Sunday. While I was at the Dolphins-Jets game I missed the race, but I have the inside scoop. The stories of the day come with-in late in the race. Except, Johnson blew an engine. It starts when Marlin and Bobby crash trying to enter the pits. That's the difference. Junior came in for 2 tires and fuel when all the others got just fuel. Junior went from 11th to first in 8 laps, overtaking Harvick in the last few laps. The last lap, off turn #2, Biffle, Kahne, and others crash. The caution never flew. Then off of turn #4 Sadler goes for a top 10, instead he relives last year when he flipped over. Junior wins and during the post-race, he quoted "This win don't mean sh*t right now... Daddy won 10 times here." He got penilized 25 driver points which now puts Kurt Busch in the lead in points. Junior dropped to 2nd in points, 12 behind Busch.