Cartman: Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, biatch! Yeah, I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt! I don't go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!

 

Mr. Garrison: Does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
Cartman: When you are trying to have intercourse with a special lady friend and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.

 

Butters: Look! You can make your wiener bigger in just three weeks!

 

Kyle: Wow! That's a lot of seamen, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.

 

Mr. Mackey: Uh, Marajuana's bad.
Street Guy: What?
Mr. Mackey: Marajuana makes you feel depressed and low.
Street Guy: And you don't feel that way now?
Mr. Mackey: Hmm, good point.

 

Cartman: Now stop wasting Mel Gibson's time, you little pussy prick.
Stan: Don't take that tone with me, kid. I'll kick your ass.
Cartman: Yah. Well, I'd like to see you try. I'm, like, 6 feet tall.
Stan: Yah. Well, you sound like a little bitch to me.
Cartman: Bitch! Don't call me bitch, bitch!
Stan: Bring it on then, bitch!
Cartman: I already brung it, bitch. I brung it, opened it, and set it on the table, bitch.

 

Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
Mr. Garrison: What did you just say?!
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry (Clears throat and pulls out megaphone), actually what I said was, "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"

 

Mr. Garrison: Let's start the day with a few new math problems -- what is five times two? Yes. Clyde?
Clyde: Twelve.
Mr. Garrison: Okay. Now let's try and get an answer from somebody who is not a complete retard.

 

Chief Running Water: Your mother is what we Indians call, 'Bear With Wide Canyon.'
Cartman: What do you mean?
CRW: She is 'Doe Who Cannot Keep Legs Together.'
Cartman: Huh?
CRW: Your mom's a slut.

 

Uncle Jimbo: So you see, we have to kill animals, or else they'll die.

 

Tweek: But, what if when I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except that one time?

 

Cartman: Okay, Token, give me a sweet bass line.
Token: I don't know how to play the bass.
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go over this? You're black. You can play the bass.
Token: I'm really tired of your racist views on this.
Cartman: Well then, get tired of them after you give me a bass line!
Token: (Plays the bass expertly) Oh, Goddammit.

 

Cartman: Well, I looked in my mom's closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000.

 

Cartman: I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about "protectin' the earth" and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets - I hate 'em! I wanna kick 'em in the nuts!

 

Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

 

Cartman: How 'bout we sing, 'Kyle's Mom is a stupid bitch' in D Minor.

 

Cartman: Alright. Look. I didn't want to have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of Bubblegum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a

J-O-O.
Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?

 

Stan: The theatre they play the movies in really sucks.
Kyle: We could project the movies on Cartman's ass.
Stan: Those movies would have to be IMAX.

 

Cartman: I was just layin' down some rhymes, with the G-folk, you know, kickin' it on the west siy-eede.
Kyle: You live on the EAST side, Cartman.

 

Cartman: Respect My Authority!

 

Mrs. Broflowski: Mr. Garrison, you're a Clan member?
Mr. Garrison: No no, Mr. Hat is.
Mr. Hat: White power! White power!
Mr. Garrison: You are such a racist bastard, Mr. Hat

 

Cartman: The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. He misses! Proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!
Kyle: Shut up Cartman! Your body is bigger than the goal!
Cartman: No, I just have a sweet hockey body.

 

Doctor: Vaginitis occurs when a person stops eating meat.. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually become one great big giant pussy.

 

Mr. Slave: Ow! I should have never shoved all those poor animals up my ass!

 

Timmy: TIMAH!

 

Jimmy: Look, my gang...which i can't talk about because it's super secret--is the most important thing to me now, and if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the nigga' on your left.

 

Mr. Hat: I'm your friend, Mr. Hat, Stan. You can tell me anything. Now, who hits you? Is it your father or your mother?
Stan: Well, neither one. It's my sister.
Mr. Garrison: Your sister? For God's sake, quit being such a little wuss! Stop wasting Mr. Hat's time with pansy, little fu-fu problems. And give me back my cocoa!

 

Kyle: Cartman, you have such a fat ass, that when people walk down the street they go, 'God damn, that's a big, fat ass.'
Cartman: No, they don't, you jealous weakling.
Passing Man: God damn, that's a big fat ass.

 

Cartman: Stop sucking my cock!

Kyle: Im not sucking your cock....... Im sucking Zack's cock

Cartman: Shut up  you stupid jew

Kyle: Stop calling me a jew!

Cartman: Well only jews suck Zack's cock

 

Stan: One day you're gonna have to stop running and deal with what happened. Otherwise, you might as well just move to France with all the other pussies.

 

Goth Kid: I'm so non-conformist, I'm not conforming with you guys. I'm in.
Stan: Great.
Goth Girl: Wow, he put us in our place.
Other Goth Kid: Yeah, we just got goth-served.

 

Kyle: [The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers.] Uh, greetings from Canada. Well boys, it's 'aboot' time we get back to our 'hoose' in Canada, isn't it?
Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a Goddamn' Canandian and neither are you.
Stan: Cartman, you stupid asshole.

 

Kyle: Go live in a third-world country for once!
Goth Kid: I won't live in a third-world country with all the comformists.

 

Rob Reiner: Sometimes lying is okay, like when you know what's good for people more than they do.

 

TV Reporter: When asked if MOOP's strike will stop them from illegaly downloading music, 1% said "yes". 2% said "no". And, 97% said "Who the hell is MOOP?

 

Butters: We're not Christian, we just pretended to be.
Cartman: Remind me to cut your balls off when we get back.

 

Mrs. Cartman: Doctor, did you find out what's wrong with him?
Doctor: I'm afraid he's running out of time.
Mrs. Cartman: Why, what's wrong with him?
Doctor: It's his time. It's running out.
Mrs. Cartman: What can we do?
Doctor: Well, I suppose we can try a time transplant. I'll have to call a specialist.

 

Terrance: I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that you're perfectly healthy. The bad news is that you have cancer.

 

Cartman: Kyle, I swear to God, if I didn't have a guy's hand up my butt right now, I would leap across the room and kick you in the nuts.

 

Stan: You mean there's actually people who dedicate their life to sticking their hands up somebody's ass?
Chef: That's right.
Kyle: What a dick.

 

Alien Secretary: Where are you visiting from?
Stan: Uh, Earth.
Alien: Ooh! I watch that show all the time!

 

Doctor: Making breasts larger is a beautiful and wonderful thing. Making them smaller is…insane.

 

Bebe's Mom: Part of being a woman is having a friend one day and calling her a slut the next.

 

Bebe: You guys still want to go ice skating after school?
Wendy: Oh no, that's okay, Bebe. You might trip and then we'd be sucked into your huge, gaping vagina like ants into a vacuum cleaner.

 

Cartman: Well, Kyle, I appreciate you being so open with me about this, but as we know, you have a warped perception of reality because you're jewish.

 

Chief Runs with Premise: Everyone grab a Chinese person and rub them on a blanket!

 

Cartman: Speilberg - Jew ... Lucas - Jew ... Kyle - Jew.

 

Cartman: Naw dude, Independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

 

Elderly Man: [upon surrendering his drivers license] But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store or the pharmacy to buy medicine?
DMV Employee: Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home, hmmmmm.
Elderly Man: Some of us would rather die.
DMV Enployee: Well we can certainly help you with that too.

 

Cartman: Let's go through the river. 6th graders hate the water.

Craig: What?!? That's stupid.

Cartman: Craig, I am a high ranked wizard, and I say 6th graders are opposed to water.

Craig: Whatever, I'm gonna play with the Harry Potter kids.
Kindergartener Dwarf: Me too.
Cartman: Fine. Go on and play 'Harry Butthole Pussy Potter.'

Butters: I have to get to South Park. If you give me a ride, I can pay you the four dollars I made at the titty bar.

 

Chris Stotch: Sometimes telling a little white lie is okay. Like, for instance, when you catch your father jerking off in a Gay Mens' Bath House.

 

Kevin: My waffle's done! My waffle's done!
Mrs. McCormick: Now, Kevin, we ain't got enough for everybody. You have to split that with your brother.
Cartman: Oh, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?

 

Mr. Garrison: And, so, children, that's how you tell a prostitute from a police officer. Now, are there any questions? Yes, Kyle?
Kyle: What the hell does that have to do with American history?
Mr. Garrision: Good question, Kyle. Are there any other questions?
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, I'm the only one here. Everyone else has chickenherpes.

Towelie: Wanna get high?