Episode 101

Xandir(repeated throughout the episode): I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend!

Ling-Ling: Say my name bitch!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling is no pet! Ling-Ling here to kill, and to give children seizures!

Spanky:(laughing)Oh My God! she thinks your our servant, cause your black! Haa Haa, this is the best day of my miserable life, SWEEET! I love racism!

Captain Hero (to Spanky): Are you defecating into a cantelope?
Spanky (sheepishly): This is awkward...maybe if I waited an hour I could've chalked this one up to the booze.

Toot- Sometimes I cut myself to relive the pain. Tee Hee Hee, Toot! 

Ling-Ling: I use your skull for sex, and a decorative bird house.

Ling-Ling: "That'll do pig. That'll do."

Spanky Ham- Nothin' reminds me of my first time like a chick cryin'!

Captain Hero: I tell ya, ever since that kid set foot in the house, all he's said is, (mockingly) "I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend!"
(various clips of Xandir)
Xandir: Where are the paper towels? Oh, no! I think my watch is broken. Ha ha! Grapes are fun!                                              

Clara: (on phone with the producers) I was totally violated! I want Foxxy Love gone!
(garbled phone speech)
Clara: I don't know if a tequila brunch would help, but it couldn't hurt. (last night's events are sped up with everybody wearing sombreros)
Clara: That was horrible idea! I was totally violated...again! I want Foxxy Love gone!

Captain Hero: I could stick and stir anyone of these broads, but I really wish we had one of those sexy black chicks.
Foxxy: Bling bling! Foxxy Love is in the house!
Captain Hero: Damn, I'm good! I wish we had a twelve-year-old girl and a donkey!
(camera shifts from the door to Captain Hero several times; nothing happens)
Captain Hero: Damn.

Xandir: Could the studly hero be right? Was she only just controlling me?

Toot: If I can't be the sex symbol, then I can cretainly be THE BITCH!

Clara: Why should I apologize? It's not like I was the one who made her black.

Captain Hero: Dude, you are so whipped. How many lives have you spent on this "girlfriend," anyway?
Xandir: 8,293,506--not counting Quad-Forces and power-ups.

Ling Ling's Theme Song:

Ling Ling into battle go
Fulfill destiny of the soul
Sever skull of adversary
Shove it in the poo-poo hole

All the children sing:
Kill kill kill kill die die die
Kill kill kill kill die die die

Ling Ling master all technique
Obtain hundred-fifty level
Strive to greatest destiny
Through unparalleled bloodshed.

All the children sing:
Kill kill kill kill die die die
Kill kill kill kill die die die

Ling Ling to the challenge dare
Where ever the cards may fall
Children of the world unite
To collect them all

Sing you slaves!
Kill kill kill kill die die die

Louder, damn it!
Kill kill kill kill die die die

Ling Ling victory!
Kill kill kill kill die die die

Ling Ling you and me!
Kill kill kill kill die die die

Episode 102

Spanky Ham: NOT ON THE NEW RUG!!!!!!!!!

Toot: Damn it! Clara's pissing me off more than Fat-Free sour cream!

Ling Ling: (yells about dishes in Japanese)
Toot: Ling Ling's right! We must kill the beast.
Captain Hero and Xandir: KILL THE BEAST! 
Spanky Ham: Misinterpret Ling Ling!

Prince Charming: (after firing off a gun) I just wanted to see if this thing worked, before I blow my charming brains out!

Clara: Please! Please don't tell anyone! I'm afraid I need to keep your promise with a pinky swear.
Foxxy: I pinky swear.
(They look at Toot)
Toot: Fine, I pinky swear.
Captain Hero: (knocks on door) Clara, Toot told us that you have a monster for a vagina and we want to have a house meeting about it.
Clara: How is that even possible? (stares at Toot)
Toot: Oopsey-Tootsey. I couldn't help myself.

Spanky: I, for one, am not just going to wait around to be swallowed by a giant vagina! (thinks for a minute) Huh? Oh...wait, no, no, no. It's no way to live! 

Wooldoor: (strikes a match) This vagina could use a woman's touch.

Episode 103

Lord Slash'n'Stab: Ha Ha Ha! I will steal this lamp for no particular reason! Ha Ha Ha!

Xandir: Good bye cruel world! *dies and comes back* Good bye cruel world! *dies and comes back* Good bye cruel world... this could take a while.

Xandir: Dare I say it? I, Xandir, am on a never ending quest to save my boyfriend!

Foxxy: I used to pretend I wasn't black. I told people I fell into a giant vat of chocolate pudding.
Wooldoor(licking Foxxy's foot): You mean this isn't pudding?
Foxxy: Did I tell you to stop lickin'? 

Toot: Of course Xandir's gay, why else wouldn't he be attracted to all this?
Wooldor: Cause you're fat! And nobody likes fat chicks! Wheee!

Xandir: *about to cry* Strong Xandir, Strong Xandir.

Toot: (to Xandir) Can't you kill yourself more quietly like Bizarro Captain Hero?
(a body hanging from a tree blows in the breeze)
Captain Hero: Uh...yeah. Killed himself.

Foxxy: Homo say what?

Spanky: "What you need is some good, old-fashioned, positive reinforcement. You can do this. (starts whipping Ling-Ling) You're special 'cause you're you! There's two I's in Ling Ling!"

Xandir: There's no reason that Ms. Pac Man has to know about this."
Pac Man (puts on a bow) : Oh, I think she already knows.

Bizarro Captain Hero: Captain Hero, I haven't seen you since you were kicked out of the Hall of Heroes.
Captain Hero: Hey, what happens in Bizarro World, stays in Bizarro World.
Bizarro Captain Hero: Technically, it was a bus station selling Bizarro World postcards.
(Captain Hero punches him into the distance)

Captain Hero: C'mon, guys, if a bus station's selling Bizarro World postcards, doesn't that count as being in Bizarro World?

Elmer Fudd: Shhh, be vewwy, vewwy quiet. I'm gonna welease your thwobbing membuh from its weather pwison. Ha ha ha ha ha. 

Clara: The one person who knew where the lamp was sworn never to reveal it's sacred location. But luckily, I knew his weakness (holds up a steaming tray of muffins.)
(Clara beats Wooldoor with the muffin tray)

Captain Hero: Brand-new television...Brand-new television...
Producer: (over speaker) Cast, we present to you a brand-new...  
36-inch...   Plasma...
Captain Hero: Boo-ya!
Producer: Sewing machine!
Captain Hero: Boo-ya.

Foxxy: Tell me the first thing you see.
Foxxy pulls out a picture of a chicken
Xandir: Cock.
Foxxy pulls out a picture of Willie Nelson
Xandir: Willie.
Foxxy pulls out a picture of a Chinese man
Xandir: Wang.
Foxxy pulls out a picture of Woody Woodpecker
Xandir: Woody.
Foxxy pulls out the same picture a second time
Xandir: Wood.
Foxxy pulls out the same picture a third time
Xandir: Pecker.
Foxxy pulls out another picture
Xandir: Blue-veined custard chucker.
Foxxy pulls out a picture of a man with an eyepatch
Xandir: One-eyed wiggling Welshman.
Foxxy pulls out a picture of a banana wearing a helmet and aiming a gun at a donkey's butt
Xandir: Pink-helmeted milk-shooting man-banana plunging into the hole of an ass.

Xandir(in the bathroom): Leave me alone! I'm taking another gay test...
Foxxy Test? The only test in there is a pregnancy test!
Xandir: Oh great, now I have two problems...

Episode 104

Foxxy: We'll always have Paris. That's what we called it when I smashed his penis with a lead model of the Eiffel Tower.

Toot: We have to fight for our food now?! These competitions are Bull-Toot!

Captain Hero: For our challlenge, we had to come up with a low-carb cure for polio, while the other team had to put an egg in a bucket.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling see things!!! HORRIBLE THINGS!!!

Captain Hero: I never check myself. Not for you, not for ticks, and not for melanoma!

Spanky: Hand over the chipmunk and nobody gets hurt. Except of course the chipmunk, which gets gutted, eaten, and eventually passed.

Spanky: You better do it or you'll be lying in a pool of your own blood! And my urine! Which also has blood, but it's MY BLOOD!

Spanky: When I don't eat, I don't crap! And when I don't crap, I don't eat! You are so dead, Wooldoor!

Foxxy: It seems that every week my team gets the easier challenge. It also seems that every week I f*ck the producers.

Captain Hero: I've never bowed to any villian, or any Asian person, even though it's the polite thing to do. And I won't bow to Foxxy!

Foxxy: C'mon, blockhead, Foxxy gonna give you some good grief!

Ling-Ling: Ling Ling wake up inside land whale. Nothing to do. Only sex with chicken.

Toot: Hello, I'm Toot Braunstein. I plat Toot Braunstein on the reality show Drawn Together. In this episode we poorly dealt with eating disorders.

Episode 105

Xandir is holding Ling-Ling
Xandir: Hey Ling-Ling, are you excited for Christmas? 
Ling-Ling: Ah-ya!
Xandir: Too bad there's no such thing as Santa Claus! I bet you're disappointed!
Ling-Ling becomes disappointed, and Xandir licks the secretion off, passing him to Toot.
Toot: Hey look what I found in your ear! Is it a quarter? 
Ling-Ling: Ah-da! 
Toot: Oh no! It's a TUMOR!
Ling-Ling becomes disappointed, Toot licks him, and passes him to Wooldoor
Wooldoor: Heya Ling-Ling, you uh... excited for uh... Christmas? 
Ling-Ling: Ah-ba-da! 
Wooldoor: Oh no, it's a TUMOR!
Wooldoor licks Ling-Ling

Spanky: Want to grab a beer spin it and kiss whoever it lands on?
Captain Hero: Not now, Spanky. Not now. 
(pause)
Spanky: How about now?
Captain Hero: Yeah, OK.

Captain Hero, Spanky and Wooldoor are playing spin the bottle and when Captain Hero spins it lands on Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: WWWWWEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Captain Hero: Hey! If you're gonna act gay about this, you can't play! 
Wooldoor: Sorry.

Xandir and Toot kiss Ling-Ling again, nothing happens.
Xandir: What's the dealio?!? I don't feel anything, you. 
Toot: Maybe we have to eat Ling-Ling.
Xandir: Why is it that when something doesn't work your first reaction is to eat it?
(Flashback to Toot eating the TV):
Xandir: Ahhhh! Toot! What are you doing!
Toot: I couldn't find the remote...

(Captain Hero notices there is a dart in his neck)
Captain Hero: What the hell?!?
(cut to Clara holding a blowpipe)
Clara: Just a little added protection. (lowered voice) You get the antidote when I get my Bleh back.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling so want visit from father. He great warrior/dry cleaner. He coined classic phrase..."No Ticky, No Washy."

Xandir: I'm so sorry your father didn't show. We still love you. DON'T WE TOOT?
Toot: (annoyed) Fine.

Clara: Bleh? What's a Bleh? Is that one of your jive words like "emancipation"?

Xandir (monotone): Hey Ling-Ling, I have a penny. No I don't. (Licks dry fur)

Poking Ling-Ling with a stick.
Xandir: Look at me! I've become the very thing I hate most!
Toot: A guy who pokes things with sticks?

Ling-Ling's Father: (Looks around, subtitled:) What this room for?

Captain Hero/Spanky/Wooldoor: Triple kiss!

Captain Hero: Yes, I was confident that by the end of the night I'd have another notch on my utility belt and fifty bucks in my pocket, but then, I realized something. Bleh, she was really special, but not in a retarded way. In a traditionally special way.

Spanky: Well, nice work, Captain Hero. Here's the fifty dollars I bet you to have sex with Bleh.
Clara gasps.
Spanky: Oh, I mean here's the fifty... dollars Captain Hero won off me because I bet him he would not have sex with your special cousin Bleh, but he did, in fact, have sex with Bleh. Oh yes he did. For, fifty dollars. Phew. Saved it.

Xandir: We knew what we did to Ling-Ling was wrong. Hopefully, this will make it up to that lovable, fortune cookie, cat-thing.

Ling-Ling's Father: This is where you've been... on lame reality TV show? With other losers?

Ling-Ling's Father: Ling-Ling, you bring shame to Ling family. I disappointed in you, Ling-Ling. So very, very disappointed.
Xandir, Toot, and two Wooldoors tackle Ling-Ling's father and lick him.

Captain Hero: We come from two different worlds. I come from the planet Zebulan and you came from a mom who drank when she was pregnant.

Toot: (To Wooldoor) You'll have to stay here until all that Ling-Ling is out of your system. It'll be the hardest thing you'll ever do. TOODLES!

Episode 107

Xandir: You used to care about me.
Captain Hero: What?
Xandir: You used to say I was pretty.
Captain Hero: No I didn't.
Xandir: You used to dress up for me.
Captain Hero: Only that one time!

Foxxy: Here's how it's gonna go down. I'm gonna finish my hair. Spanky, you order the pizza. And Clara, you go into the confession room and tell the camera how you never felt so aliiiiiivvvve.
(Clara is now in the confession room.)
Clara: My first naughty prank. I've never felt so aliiiiiivvvve.

King: Now, Clara, do you promise to stay away from that boyishly handsome pig?

Toot: You want to do what to pizza? The most tasty and delicious of all that is tasty and delicious? So you can sh*t on it? I should kill you where you stand!
(Toot punches a hole through the wall.)

Clara: Lately I feel like there's something missing.
King: Did you check the colored girl's room?

Spanky: I'm sorry, I don't remember ordering this pizza...(opens the box, and a turd is in it) with sausage!

Clara's Father: You are a princess. Hu-DUH!
Clara: I know that, father. But I long for so much more.
Clara's Father: Of course you do, because you're a princess and that's what princesses do. They long for more. Or die in a car crash in France. Now, let us never speak of this again.

Xandir: Sometimes I think Captain Hero cares more about those boots than our friendship. I bet they never slew the Man Troll on Rainbow Mountain. I said "slew," right?

Captain Hero: Go to the mall? Is that some kind of gay code? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Foxxy: Good evening, delivery man of pizza.

Toot: Blah blah blah! I'm Captain Hero and I can fly! And I...
Captain Hero: Do you mind, fudgy? I'm on the phone!
Toot: I don't care. I gotta call my AA sponsor!
Captain Hero: (in a girlish voice) I said I'm on the phone!

Spanky: Little game? Did you just say "little game?" The travel size edition of Battleship, that's a "little game." Screwing with the pizza man, that's a way of life my friend! It is who I am!  

Clara: With Foxxy's hands still stuck in her hair, she was more useless than a mexican.

Wooldoor: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the clock tower. (cocks a sniper rifle)

Clara: Please Spanky give me a second chance. Didn't you get one when you were given that dead school teacher's liver?
Spanky You're right. (Takes a bottle of liquor) Here's to second chances, kid! (Chugs the bottle)

Toot (drunk): Why don't you love me, Captain Morgan! What?!? Smashes the bottle against a wall. Oh no, you're bleeding! I'll save you Cap'n Morgan! Licks it off the wall.

Bodyguard: Hear ye, hear ye! The King is about to barge in unexpectedly!

King: They took everything! My crown, my jewels, but not my innocense. No, I lost that a long time ago when I was but a naive prince who would do anything for his jousting instructor. Anything.

Episode 108

Xandir: What is going on?! (said several times through out episode)

Wooldoor: Tank, quick, I need to learn how to fly a T-1000 FireFox. [shakes around as he's being reconfigured. He then appears in a pilot's outfit] Move over, princess!

Foxxy: " Momma didn't raise no fool, and papa didn't raise me at all!"

Foxy: We need to do a good, old-fashioned sit in.
Clara(In confession room): Silly black people, they think they can solve all their problems by just sittin' around.

Foxxy: Toot, I know you've never heard this before, but you was right.
Toot: Hu-DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH!